Anxiety, Fxck you

Anxiety as a child – I am scared to make new friends, it is hard to be shy but introverted I am. Will I fail at school, my handwriting is not the best, these shoes are not as cool as the rest, my hair doesn’t sit right. Anxiety, Fxck you.

Anxiety as a teen – I am still not ‘cool’, I don’t fit it, will anyone ever love me, will I pass my exams, I have no true friends, I am the only girl who can drive, the boys race me and I can’t keep up, acne…you drive me crazy, make up – why does my make up not look as great as everyone else’s, frizzy hair I really do care, my body is changing how do I deal with this?, I am bleeding what the hell, this hurts, the pill what?!, I have to do this with a boy…really?, Eating, being sick, eating, being sick bleurgh. Anxiety, Fxck you.

Anxiety in my early 20’s – Uni is hard, I don’t fit in, Where are all my friends, he broke my heart, I hurt myself, I feel guilt from hurting others, alcohol..too much, make up – still can’t get that right, acne…get the hell outta here, depression – its dark down in this hole, help me out, it hurts, its hard to breath, my jeans don’t fit, I’m skint. Travelling – lets do this, its nerve-wracking on this plane alone, will I make friends, will I fit in, I am lost, where is my lodge, fly home 3 months later, a job? where is all the money? help. Anxiety, Fxck you.

Anxiety as a parent – What? a baby human, don’t make me go home not knowing what to do, how do I feed? when will I sleep? routine…where do you find that? He feeds all the time, teething, bathing, changing, groups, walking, how do you fit it all in? he cries in the night, what is wrong, he bumped his head oh my god, weaning…what on earth…where do you start, he is moving, on the go, be careful, don’t get hurt. nursery, crying and settling in, the Mum who refused to leave him, settled at last, oh no now school, homework and books, reading and meetings, parents night, assemblies, fundraisers and dressing up. Am I the mum that fxcks it up. Anxiety, Fxck you.

Anxiety in my 30’s – acne – be gone I tell you, a new partner after being single so long, will he cheat or will he lie? Bills, how do you pay them all? a job, the stress, the nervous breakdown, the panic attack before going out, meeting new people scary as hell, putting up selfies…so very rare, deep breathes, yoga and slowing down, I know you are there anxiety, deep down in there bubbling away. Anxiety, Fxck you.

Finding my own way now, I see you inner child coming out to play, sometimes cute and sometimes in despair, I am here to parent you now to subside your fears and look after you year after year. Anxiety, I hear you, I feel you and I respect your fears but now it is my turn to take back control. I will slow my breath, sit down when I need, let go of my fears, look into the unknown with less heavy in my heart and ill guide you to a place of more freedom, more joy and more fun. Anxiety, Fxck you.

Rachel

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